I have no idea what has happened to our summer but all of a sudden the weather has packed in and once again I am looking out my window at another gloomy and depressing day. But hey, this is Auckland so it is likely to turn into another BBQ seducing day later on.
Enough about the weather, I have more important things to ramble about, namely, myself. I enjoy long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners sipping on a fine wine surrounded by the beauty of nature and a fine woman. Well the fine woman part is true but as for the rest it is more like I enjoy sitting on the couch playing Xbox with my wife, AKA the fine woman, and drinking the cheapest beer they had on sale at Foodtown. Either way I consider myself a good dude and a top catch.
So yeah, another working week, another few dollars to pay the rent, bills and buy some food has just begun and still no sign of the heir to my throne. This being said we haven’t quite reached the due date yet so I am on full alert and ready to take on my supportive role any time now.
With baby so close my weekend didn’t really consist of a lot of rawkus behaviour, truth by told it was very civilised (see above - long walks on the beach etc). It also consisted of some screen printing, some shopping and general house chores.
Amongst all of the above madness, I also got a chance to check out the new Guns N Roses album, ‘Chinese Democracy’. After 17 odd years and however many million dollars I was expecting Axl to pull something out of the bag and silence all the naysayers, unfortunately all my ears were greeted with was an extremely over produced album complete with way too many effects and not enough of the good old G’N’R grunt. Granted there was the odd occasion that I could sense some of the old power coming through but those moments were fleeting and few and far between.
Despite ‘Chinese Democracy’ not coming close to the epic mark set by classics such as ‘Appetite For Destruction’ of ‘Use Your Illusion 1 & 2’ it does serve as a brilliant segway into my next topic.
On Sunday night we went to a BBQ at our friend Danielle’s place. Now Danielle has just come back from a family wedding on Australia’s Gold Coast and whilst at this wedding she got herself a little bit of loving with a South African guy that we have named Yarnie, whose family run some sort of circus/carnival in Europe therefore making him the product of gypsies. Anyway, back to my Guns N Roses segway, over dinner Danielle’s sister informed us that at one point during the night the dance floor cleared and all that was left was Danielle and Yarnie making out in front of everyone as the DJ cranked ‘November Rain’. Just think about it for a second, Danielle, who is a self proclaimed westie, making out with some random guy in front of her entire family while Guns N Roses’ ‘November Rain’ played. You don’t get much more romantic than that.
This picture perfect account of young love got me thinking what other songs would be fantastic dance floor make out tracks and pretty soon the list was getting out of hand so here are just a few…
Dr. Dre – ‘Bitches Aint Shit’
“Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on deez nutz and suck the dick
Get's the fuck out after you're done
And I hops in my ride to make a quick run”
With this passionate refrain how could it not be a make out classic
Color Me Badd – ‘I Want To Sex You Up’
“Girl you make me feel good
We can do it ‘till we both wake up”
This song is seduction 101. In fact I sung the chorus of this song to my standard four girlfriend down the phone only to find out her friend was listening. Unfortunately my life is not a porno and this dod not result in a threesome.
Dr Hook – ‘I Wanna Kiss You All Over’
Who doesn’t know this song. Close your eyes and imagine it playing at some dingy club or school hall with all your family sitting around as you make out with your new lover in front of them all. Ahhhhhhhh.
Rage Against the Machine – ‘Bulls on Parade’
Might seem like a funny call here but there are some people who like a bit of oomph in their make out sessions so this one is for them.
Sir Mix-A-Lot – ‘Baby Got Back’
No explanation needed here, this one is pretty self explanatory.
Billy Ray Cyrus – ‘Achey Breaky Heart’
Who doesn’t know this song. You could stand on any dance floor around the world as your new friend runs her hands through your mullet and you feel her caboose in her tight denim skirt as Billy Ray wails in the background.
Ricky Martin – ‘She Bangs’
If you ever find yourself making out to this track it is like a contract. This girl must now go home with you and have sex. There are no two ways about it, making out to ‘She Bangs’ is a legal contract for sex, just like flicking a hooker fifty bucks, she has to do it
C+C Music Factory - ‘Things That Make You Go Hmmmm’
Now unlike ‘She Bangs’ this is not a song you want to hear whilst making out. This is the DJ’s subtle way of telling you that you should get pull out before it is too late. It is not because you are making out with a swamp donkey but because the girl may be packing something extra down below. And like the $50 hooker once you get it going you have to follow through.
Bloodhound Gang – ‘Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
I think any Bloodhound Gang song would be great for dance floor hook ups but the cream of the crop, excuse the pun, has to be ‘Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Come on who wouldn’t want to be making out and hear Jimmy Pop’s sweet voice singing
“Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten
Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston
Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle
Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple”
As you can see this list could go on and on but I don’t think I could truly do it justice without mentioning at least one more classic make out song - The Hokey Pokey. How complete would your life be to make out to some dude telling you to put this here or there and shake it all about.
Well this has gone on for far too long now and I had better get to work but take care and until next time remember if it looks like shit, smells like shit and tastes lie shit , it is probably a product of West Auckland.
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